I'm dealing with a toxic family member right now. I'm the second oldest of my siblings, and my older sister is very toxic. I always have conflicting thoughts about her because she was sexually abused as a child and it led her believe that it was ok to stay with people that treat her badly. Well, now I've moved out of my father's house and she is still there wih my other siblings. None of them get along and they are scared of her because she can blow up at any minute or take their things and then to start a conflict.
I know that she had mental issues at this point, but she refuses to get help. So instead she doesnt work or go to school and gets into arguments with the kids and my father. He aids in her emotional abuse which is why I have wanted her to move out.
The thing is the trust between is is now very broken because I've tried to help her in the past and she's only hurt me or taken advantage of me. A few days ago she caused disturbance at my dad's house and broke a window and the kids were really scared. She said it was because my sad and brother moved her stuff. She went to jail and they didn't give her a psych eval like they said they would and released her in a day. Now she's gone to a homeless shelter but recently got locked out for not listening and coming back by curfew. She wanted me to go and pick her up today but after everything that's happened I don't trust her and know she won't listen to me if she knows where I live.
I know she needs medical help and I want her to get better, but I don't want to compromise my safety, well-being, and open myself to getting hurt and used by her again. I always have to focus on her needs and not my own, and I am trying to graduate from college this year and don't need this. I'm already not being able to focus because I'm worried about her and my mother doesn't understand why she can't just come and live with me. I'm stuck between wanting her to be safe and wanting to protect myself and I'm not willing to keep taking care of her.
My parents just want me to take her for now until they can get her help, but I know that once she knows where I live she won't likely leave. I don't know what to do and would appreciate some help. I don't want to feel like an evil sister but there is only so much , I can take in this situation. My parents forgot that I too have been hurt in this situation. She unfortunately has always had a cruel side to her, according to my mother.
I didn't notice this side until I grew into my own person at around 19/20 as I became an adult. I seemed to make pretty good choices in my life and kept healthy. My sister was great in my mind until she became finatically religious., during this time which was when I was in my early 20's.
At this time she cut off my parents and the rest of the family for not believing in her religion at the same intensity that she chose. It was devastating to lose her and at the same time my parents lost a son as well to cancer. I decided that I couldn't change my sister's thoughts, and that I could only live on the way in which I felt was good for myself. I chose to enjoy my parent's company as well as my other siblings. Because of all the unrest, my other male sibling became a harsh alcoholic and my remaining sister chose the same path. What was left in my family were my parents.
Through the years we developed a very nice relationship. I got married and had two children and we did a lot of things together as a family. It was a family connection with very healthy boundaries. I feel for all the people who have posted on this site. I grew up with toxic parents and a toxic brother who was worshipped by my parents.
I became the family scapegoat, always blamed for being unreasonable, aggressive and sulky while my brother was showered with gifts and praise. I married young and badly, my husband turned out to be a violent bully. My parents knew this but made it clear I couldn't go home as they didn't want me there. When my mother died I was expected to take care of my father and devote myself to his welfare as my brother and his wife were too busy.
They lived ten minutes away from my father. Then found out my parents had given most of their money to my brother and there was nothing left. My father had even cashed in his pension to give to my brother. The upshot is I nearly had a breakdown and after therapy have now cut all contact with my father and brother. I still feel guilty but have finally realised that THEY were the problem not me and I am not going to ruin what's left of my life being involved with them. I will never know why they all did what they did.
They may not be an inherently bad person, but they're not the right person to be spending time with every day. – Not all toxic family relationships are agonizing and uncaring on purpose. Some of them involve people who care about you – people who have good intentions but are toxic because their needs and way of existing in the world force you to compromise yourself and your happiness. And as hard as it is, we have to distance ourselves enough to give ourselves space to live.
You simply can't ruin yourself on a daily basis for the sake of someone else. You have to make your well-being a priority. In modern parlance, Genesis is explaining attachments and boundaries. Attachments to parents are the infant's earliest and most crucial relationships. Healthy development during the first couple decades of life depends on having a strong and stable relationship bond with parents. This occurs so that the new attachment between husband and wife--the being united into one flesh--has space to form.
The process is quite complex--a simultaneous unification of husband and wife and separation of each partner from his or her family of origin. The difficult daughter-in-law is the product of excessive, distorted, or inadequate boundaries between the couple and either or both sets of parents. I have always said that I have the greatest MIL ever! But just recently she has turned into a different type of comic book character.
She has always been a great listener, never got involved in our business and we enjoyed each other's company - she was a great grandmother. Her life has changed in the past 2 years and she is no longer involved with our family like she was before. My daughter got married in January and because she had not been coming over and visiting like she had before she was not aware of all the plans.
My daughter decided on a small wedding with immediate family and of course grandparents were invited as well as one aunt/uncle from each side. Because her daughter had not been invited she was furious! She attended the wedding and was clearly not happy. After I called and explained to my sister in law why she had not been invited she then went as far as to say don't bother inviting me to the baby shower.
Well we decided to invite both of them to the shower and neither attended. My MIL has not even bothered to purchase a gift for either occasion, but has attended one family get together since the baby was born. She has been very distant due to many family issues, but is clearly not the same person that she was before the wedding.
I'm the kind of person that tries to problem solve and patch things up, but I don't understand why we have to explain ourselves for what we decided to do to stay within our budget. So at this point I fell that it's the SIL that is controlling her mother to the point that she doesn't want to be involved with the family to punish us. I am truly happy for my daughter and her husband and my new grandbaby!! From this experience I've learned that you never truly know anyone. You can only love them and accept them as part of your family. We cannot control their feeling and they cannot control ours.
I grew up with Catholic narcissism parents who controlled eveyaspect of me and showed me failure was not an option. I realized as I became an adult that I have freedom. Was young, naive, and didn't know that I could hurt or be taken advantage of. So I ended the relationship because that person cheated on me. Found out with through an app he was calling a girl cute. So it was hard enough to leave the relationship because it was almost 4 years together.
I ended the relationship gave myself 4 months to try and find myself focus on me. Then I had a friend in college who I knew would go to him and vent my issues from my ex relationship. He always was their to listen and comfort me. He made me feel like I could be free and do whatever. However sometimes we had huge arguments over little things like jealousy issues.
Our communication at the time when I wasn't aware. Looking back Was not mature or let's just say we always argued about who had better points we both were smart but we couldn't just listen to each other when we argued. He would come and try to talk things through we forgave. The last 4 weeks I have felt that anger, heartache, confusion, guilt and obligation that you talk about. I want to leave him but financially I can't so I need to stay. I know that I will have to start communicating with him again.
All along I didn't know what I would say because as you know it is sooo difficult to talk to a narcissist as they are so self absorbed. But after reading your article, I am glad that I have distanced myself and taken the time to look after myself. I am taking the time to understand and process my feelings.
I now know that the feelings I am having are my feelings and not his feelings projected onto me. I am trying not to let his negative behaviour impact me and when it does I am reminding myself that his behaviour is a reflection of him and not me. I now realise that he is toxic and your article will help me deal with him. My own son and his girlfriend are withholding my grandson from me because I have not spent enough time with him his first year of life.
I'm also raising my 8 and 9 year old neices who were removed from my sisters care. I have permanent custody and I will raise them as my own as they are with me til 18 legally and longer if they choose. My oldest son and his girlfriend feel I chose a NEW family over my first grandson.
I will not apologize for loving these two innocent children. I love my son and my grandson but can no longer endure the emotional roller coaster. I also have MS which restricts my time because when the girls are in school I rest. I also had open heart surgery this past October for a bad valve from childhood that led to even more fatigue this past year and less time with my grandson.
I begged them to bring him to see me more often and I would always pay for the gas. Now I am not allowed to know where they are living and was told I could never see my precious grandson again because I have my NEW family. I felt guilt in so many ways, so many times over these comments from my son and his girlfriend. My nieces need and deserve my full attention at this moment. My grandson will NEVER remember his first year. My nieces will remember every moment at this age.
Although it's hard, you can't take their toxic behavior personally. – When a person is being obviously toxic, it's them, not you. Toxic family members will likely try to imply that somehow you've done something wrong. And because the feeling guilty button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve. Remember, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with.
Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing to do with you. What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection. Hi Kaz, Yes I used to send them photos all the time. I even set up a what's app group for the family to share pics.
My husbands sister set up one for her son so I did one for our son. Surprise surprise everyone comments on his sisters group about how amazing her son is, but no where near the same level of interaction in the group I set up. In fact one of my husbands aunts left the group, but of course she is still in the other group. Sending pics to a group that I felt like didn't care about him upset me. My husband dated his ex when he was very young and she was even younger.
She got pregnant by mistake and my husbands dad said he had to marry her so he did. He said she was an alcoholic and did other bad things and would never come home. He had a second thinking that would solve the issue but it only made it worse. He found her cheating on him so he filled for divorce. The grandparents are very protective of the kids and say they don't like the ex but they say civil because they want to see the kids.
When they first met me they were really nice, but my husband moved state to me with me and I guess this is the real issue and of course him having more kids second time round. My husband doesn't say anything to his family because he's not that way inclined. He loves his parents and doesn't want to causes conflict - it's just not in him. At the end of the day, you are doing this for you and your mental health. You do not need to accept being bullied by your toxic in laws just because you are married.
